We are a liberal household. We always have been. I grew up feeling inhibited and embarrassed about sex and bodies and I was determined my children would not feel the same. We have specifically brought them up believing they can ask any question at any time and that bodies, big, small, voluptuous or with inexplicable dangly bits are just things we all have and not the stuff of fear or anxiety.
Our conversations have, since our eldest was ready to want to know how babies arrived, included sex, love, birth, periods, erections, vaginas and penises, breasts and what you might wish, or wish not, to do with your body. We’ve talked about pleasure, pain, function and dysfunction and neutrally examined the processes and causes of everything from bumps in tummies to lumps in trousers. We’ve talked about privacy because that feels good and whether secrecy is the right thing to do if it feels bad. We’ve not shied from abortion or abuse or when you might need to discuss something that is frightening or illegal or unconventional. We’ve always openly referred to the fact that we know they may bring home a same or different sex partner and that we have no issue with that. While discreet in an ordinary ‘don’t shove it in their faces’ way, we are an openly physically affectionate and loving couple, we’ve never gone to great lengths hide sanitary protection or condoms (and we assume 2 babies born in the last 4 years means they know we still have sex) and when the older girls started periods we’ve asked them to be tidy and thoughtful but not required secrecy or used euphemistic language to evade the ears and understanding of younger siblings.
When difficult questions have come up (and it is never a great time when they do!)we tend to have a couple of responses:-
“I’m happy to tell you that but ask to chat to me in private tonight,” because generally they ask me in public to gauge how awkward it might be with a buffer of younger ears in place. Once they get that response they know it is possibly blush-worthy so they’ll find me later or when they feel ready. I keep the question in mind since there is always a reason for them asking.
My other response, such as when one of them was being teased for not knowing the significance of the number 69 in the playground is,
“I’m happy to tell you that but you might find it embarrassing or upsetting and once you know you can’t unknow it. Do you want to know?”
In the case above, the daughter in question did want to know because she had found herself in a situation where where ignorance of something no 11 year old should have to know about was making her a target. So we dealt with it.
My rule of thumb for tackling these topics is:-
- Be factual but human too – relate it to life and experience if possible.
- Be honest and unbiased.
- Keep the maturity of the child in mind & relevant to the need.
- Open door – it’s okay to revisit and ask for clarity.
Which leads me to this.
(c) Can Stock Photo
School sex education and the absolute R.A.G.E I feel at the damage that has been done to one of my children through a ridiculous, unpersonalised, fear ridden information scheme designed to stop them from wanting to have sex.
Ever.
One of my children has gone through PSHE lessons that included a list of ten statements about sexual arousal that she had to put into order; not easy if you are still quite young at heart and it’s pretty difficult to not feel repulsed by “vagina become slippery” or “penis leaks fluid” when you are a young teen with no sexual experience. They’ve been warned so hard about the difficulty of child rearing on your career and education and the pain of birth, on the danger of STDs that far from being informed and prepared, she feels repulsed and fearful. Sex has become about danger and damage for her, while her school year is still filled with sexually active children and not a few pregnant girls.
For those who needed it, it hasn’t worked. For the one who didn’t need it, it has done harm.
I understand, I really do, that we have a country of children who need good information and good advice, who need steering and are not getting that at home. I understand I ticked the box to say she could attend these lessons. I’m not a prude and I’m happy with fact, with bold (and bald) statement and clear information about the effects of sexual interaction without precaution and consideration.
But it should not be my job now to have to talk my daughter back into the idea that sex is okay. I should not be having to tell her that it is not to be feared but to be enjoyed, that it is fun and something she will want to try in the next couple of years. I should not have to feel that if I ask her to leave the bedroom door open while her boyfriend or girlfriend is here, that I’m reinforcing an idea that what goes on behind closed doors is dirty or naughty. I should not have to worry that far from giving her a safety net she can break free from in her own time, I’m shielding her from her own inhibitions and anxieties and allowing her to develop them into deep rooted apprehensions.
And I do feel really furious to have had my role pushed outside of what it should be and beyond angry that a one sized fits all education has undone all the work I did to bring her up comfortable in sex being about her time, her body, her choice and above all, about affection and pleasure and fun – not fear and disease and consequence.
What do you think? Is it the job of a school to help teenagers become sexual beings responsibly and thoughtfully or simply to discourage them from having sex for as long as possible?
I agree with your sentiments whole heartedly. We have always been open, tried never to be embarrassed and in doing this have managed to raise open and confident children….. except one that is.. the one who has attended school and been through the ‘sex ed’ debacle.
Instantly we had an embarrassed ‘shut the door’ type teen who is scared of pregnancy and sex rather than seeing them as a fabulous part of a loving relationship.
To be honest as hard as we’ve tried we haven’t managed to get it back completely and I feel sad that we allowed her to be a part of these lessons that have almost blighted what could have been such a special time.
That is exactly the word – blighted. And I am angry for her.
I’m sure you will be able to convince her and reassure her but it shouldn’t have to be done should it? I was very open with my children [the eldest is 40] in the days when most mothers thought I was mad or bad or both. I’d been brought up by my*older*parents in what I assume it was like under the reign of Victoria and there was no such thing as sex education at school. I was an innocent and ignorant girl in a world of horny young men. I managed to keep myself “pure” till 21 but almost immediately got pregnant and then married…..not exactly how I’d thought my life would go with no choices. I swore it wouldn’t happen to my girls!!!! 21 years later my daughter gave birth to my first grandson……the only difference was that I was not shocked/disappointed/angry/humiliated/whatever I was just worried that she had split up with her boyfriend and overjoyed at seeing my grandson being born and being the first to hold him. I hadn’t been very close to her in her later teens and I think maybe that had I been, she wouldn’t have run into the arms of someone who was not going to stick with her but of course we never know. I’ve hopefully given my son an insight into the woman’s point of view…………..he’s 25 and no grandchildren yet 😉
Ha. That last line made me smile. (Jinx?! 😉 )
Ugh. Poor girl. Poor you.
Sounds very clinical and more suitable to a biology lesson than sex-ed. Thought it was supposed to be more about relationships and choices than the nitty gritty mechanics though I may be horribly naive and in for a shock.
Clearly if there are pregnant teens in the class, either the lessons don’t work or are far too late or some reason classes cannot influence has occurred.
Difficult line I imagine when teaching a whole class with different backgrounds and understandings of what it is all about. Trying to balance not being off putting without appearing to be encouraging.
Did you ever see the 1995 film ‘kids’? Has quite a depressing take on teen (and younger if I remember) sex. They may as well just show that!
It feels as if a ‘building a mental state for readiness’ lesson should be more the stance. Tricky, I admit.
I admire you and your OH for being so honest and positive about sex ed. I wish I was as unrestrained. The problem is that not everyone is as relaxed talking about it, and teachers have very little guidance about teaching it. What happens is that they flounder. And imagine many of those teachers are not parents, they may be mid 20s talking to children only a few years younger than them about sex; they are ill – equipped. I’ve been landed with talking about body parts and what they’re for to my class of 8 yr old children, and I am dreading it. I’m dreading telling children whose parents might not have had that talk to their children, X 30.
I agree that the scare tactics aren’t helpful, and it’s dreadful that she’s now alarmed by it. But the teacher who had to deliver it probably felt incredibly uncomfortable delivering content she had no say in. Possibly the problem is that it is not something to be left to teachers?
I do feel sorry for the teachers but their discomfort is something they can deal with. They are at least adults. The system and an all encompassing need to impart uniform fact is just not suitable. In fact, it fails the age/aptitude/ability test pretty badly.
I admire your honesty. I try to be open with my boys, I answer questions they ask and like you dont hide condoms, contraceptives and sanity towels. Heck Iam pretty sure my eldest lad has pegged washable san-pads on the washing line.
I think school discouraging is wise, but badly done. Why terrify everyone? Why not discourage but not make it such a big deal and arrange one on one chats with a teacher that knows sex ed to talk to them if they suspect that child needs help.
I was pregnant at school, it wasnt exactly a choice, I was being abused. Buti remember clearly my RE teacher (yes really) talking to me. Suggesting she knew things were a bit too “adult” in my life and saying places to go for contraceptives without telling my mum. She wasnt judgey, she knew saying “dont have intercourse youll get STIs!” wasnt going to help. She also said things like “dont worry. One day youll get free of him (ex) and youll know the difference. Youll realise things arent sh*t forever, dont be frightened forever.”
She said she had to inform social workers of her fears and did but her advice and her support was utterly amazing. The only person I could trust was her. Considering I was a failure in RE lessons her caring was way more than her job required.
Shame sex-ed as a subject is gorey damp mechanical propoganda.
Oh this is sad 🙁 Kids need advocates, no doubt at all. And one way wouldn’t suit all either. Hugs for you x
I truly feel for you and this disastrous relationship schools feel they need to uphold in the PHSE arena. Did you know that PHSE is no longer a legal requirement? This got dropped quite a few years ago!
March 2014, I found this out after my 6 year old came home talking about boy’s P bits and girls V bits over dinner one evening? What the ! Choking on food I proceeded to ask my young daughter where she had got this from, to be told they had , had a film (Channel 4’a Early Years) and talk about SEX! Really? Why does a 6 year old need to know about this? I am not a prude, I have a 28 year old son, a 15 year old daughter, an 11 year old son and obviously my youngest at 6. The school was also a Church of England school, so one would have thought they would have had the morals to protect such young children from such harmful information. Ohhh no! The Head teacher, school governer and the PSHE co-ordination saw nothing wrong with this at all. On top of which a consent form was not deemed necessary, and no check up to ensure that ALL parents had received a letter outlining their intentions of pollution to such a young audience. Shambolic! I have since removed my child from the state school curriculum and is now being home schooled. It is a challenging avenue, but Rome was not built in a day! I have work to do to try and rebalance her since this awful incidence happened. Did you know that if it had been us parents showing these children the materials being used, Child Protection Services would have been involved? Yet this same division do not feel the need to embark on schools abusing their powers? Why not? Sex education is not a legal requirement, the school makes the decision whether or not to teach this subject. Government has turned their back on this topic, probably because of all the upset it has caused. We have the highest pregnancy rates in the world and the figures for 2013 showed 49% of under 16’s had, had a termination. This does not show that teen pregnancies is improving. When I was at school back in 1981 it was a rarity to hear of a teenager being pregnant at school, yet we had Sex Education wrapped up in our single science Biology at age 13. I truly believe our poor children are being overloaded with too much detail and have not got the maturity to deal with it! I ahve spoken with many other Primary school Head Teachers who, when given the choice to introduce this to their Year 1’s this year, chose to protect their youngsters, as the material used was not Age Appropriate! Schools have a Duty of Care, parents have also Duty if Care, if you wish to exclude your child from the PHSE programme that the school have decided to implement, you as the parent has the legal right to OPT out, your child does not have to be tainted by Education Politics!
A lot of children have been seriously damaged by the PHSE Program. Stand up and be heard as Parents have the overall legal right to refuse this topic on behalf of their children.
I don’t think I would go as far as to agree with a lot of your points (I’m sure that termination rate can’t be right) but an interesting opinion. I don’t really have a problem with children of any age using the correct words for body parts but I think informing parents first would be appropriate.
Morning Merry,
It wasn’t the terminology she used it was other more implicit material. The DVD was viewed by both my Teenage daughter and myself, 2 minutes of this DVD was enough viewing. Same was said by a couple of the Primary heads that I spoke with too. Obviously the body parts are discussed if enquired, this was not the case. I have lots of books around the house, I also have a grown up son who still lives at home because it is too expensive to move out. All the children have access to information if they require it.
As for the stats on Teen Pregnancies in the UK, all this information is available on the World Health website. I doubt they got their figures incorrect. The fact that such a huge percentage had terminations under 16 should be worrying enough. You can water down the true figures of pregnancies but you have to ask the question why are teen pregnancies so high in an age when there is so much information available? Perhaps the true answer to this is that a lot of teenagers are not ready for intimate relationships but have not been told that they have the right to say NO. All this pressure on girls, perhaps single sex lessons would be better where it is girls with a female teacher discussing this subject and boys being taught separately with a male teacher.
Boys will always have the upper hand in sex as they often use it as an emotional tool, and unfortunately girls are not taught that this kind of emotional blackmail, which is what it is, does not need to be taken if they are not ready.
Again, too much information on the activity and not enough talk on the emotion.
The fact is PSHE is not helping, and targeting younger and younger audiences is not going to improve this situation either.
I understand that your daughter is almost double the age of my daughter, I understand the anger for the fact your daughter is old enough to assimilate information, how does a 6 year old manage that? She doesn’t even have the tendencies to fancy yet TG!
Yes, I know, she is only 6!
So why Sex Educate such young children.
I understand we live in a country which still has ignorance to hand, and yes, there are still children out there that do not have parents who care enough to do their duty responsibly, but one, should not tar all with the same brush, is a quote that comes to mind.
The fact is PSHE is still a taboo subject, but is not a legal requirement.
There are a lot of sensible parents out there beginning to realise that they can remove their child/ren away from this topic given the opportunity. Most children grow up with a good sense of how it all knits together to have a sociable society to fit into. There will always be those poor children who do not, but it is not for schools to take these matters into their own hands and decide on behalf of all what is needed next. This is where being a parent counts, otherwise we will lose these rights if not protected.
Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
Well I’m not going to argue the rest if it but I’m pretty sure nothing here suggests that 1 in 2 under 16 year old girls have had an abortion https://www.gov.uk/government/statistical-data-sets/statistics-on-abortions-carried-out-in-england-and-wales-in-2012
49% of PREGNANT teenage girls, not of ALL teenage girls.
Ah. Yes. Well that seems a reasonable and hardly surprising statistic.