teenagers

Review: Teen Parcels That Make Periods Better.

November 19, 2014 by Merry 2 Comments

I’m a mum of 4 girls and 2 of them have now gone through that moment where a mum blogger suddenly realises that it is time to STOP.SHARING.

You just can’t blog a period. You did teeth and potty training and the time they fell in the toy box and how they felt when a tooth fell out and what sending them to school did to you. And then periods come and you think…

Um. No. Probably best not. Not a blog post they will want their friends to find.

Possibly not going to thank you for the hashtag on Twitter.

Best leave it.

We are a very open household. I keep my sanitary requirements on show and Max is perfectly happy to go out and buy them for me. Since the older girls have needed supplies, I’ve encouraged them to ask him to get them like they are a normal item. Which they are. Over dinner the other week we ended up talking about this, and how it took me years before I felt comfortable to ask him to get them for me (Why? I have no idea. He watched me give birth so really….) and both big girls said that actually they felt really uncomfortable asking him even now. Max looked on blankly, completely unable to understand why it would be an issue.

“Should I be embarrassed asking you to get me shaving foam?” he asked.

But the truth is – and the nervous giggling of daughter number 2 made it clear that this is so – periods are embarrassing and intimate and a huge rite of passage (excuse the pun) and they manage to carry with them a notion of – and I hesitate to use the word dirty – something unsavoury and secret. Even here, where we don’t in any way ask for Victorian discretion, they’ve imbibed that outdated behaviour.

One problem with being a 3rd daughter – and a bolshy, savvy one at that – is that your mum does tend to forget that you haven’t necessarily had all the carefully considered education the first daughters got. I agonised over how to make sure I broached babies and periods and birth with 1 and 2 but Amelie has been an accessory to those conversations so often that I forgot she hadn’t had them in her own right.

The arrival of a Teen Parcel to review this week was an ideal opportunity to redress this. For once the obvious candidates got passed over and DD3 and I opened the parcel together and took a look inside. It’s suitably pink and all discreetly parcelled up, perfect for 12 year olds who haven’t yet got the hang of yelling “Can you get me some REALLY huge tampons…..?” at the back of a departing bloke with the front door open and on the phone to his rugby mate.

Our pack had a little cloth bag to tuck a tampon/pad supply in your bag and a set of pink parcels, 2 of which contained 25 tampons from the Tampax range and one was stuffed with face cleansers, sparkly nail polish, spot cream, sweeties, a hot chocolate deluxe style drink and a little phone charm.

So we opened it all up and took a good look. We discussed why face stuff might be in there (make you feel good, keep a handle on changing skin which deserves some tlc when hormones rage) and (going against all my frugal efforts) broke into a tampon, popped it out of the applicator, did a demo (through my fingers!) and discussed comfort, angle and reason for use. I explained pubic bones. Go me.

DD3 thought it was marvellous. The bling and indulgence of the whole thing suited her down to the ground and the idea of getting the equivalent of a Graze box for hormones tickled her (quite literally) pink. She loved opening up the little ‘presents’ and I think found it a really nice opportunity to discuss something with me that I hadn’t realised we had missed out on.

I think it is a lovely idea, particularly for a girl either a little intimidated or over anxious about an impending period or for a mum who needs to find a way to broach the subject with a tween girl. At £6 for the first box (and £10 thereafter) it isn’t overpriced (a box of 20 Tampax being about £3 and the associated goodies decent value too, probably less than I could spend on a hormonal chocolate binge 😉 ) and the cost includes p&p. The box itself is designed to be letterbox size so you aren’t inconvenienced by collecting it from the sorting office and the contents are tailored to your needs through the sign up process – you can choose from Lil Lets, Tampax, Kotex and Always pads and the tampon boxes are multi- absorbancy for different days. Pad boxes have night towels included. For the sake of a treat and not having to dash out for supplies, I might even sign up myself 😉 The amount this house currently spends on these things and the associated chocolate might well make it worth it 😉

You can take a look at the product on their website at Pink Parcel – Teen Parcels are described on a tab at the top. In particular I found the FAQ page very helpful.

On Thursday 20th November there will be a Twitter Party about “around building girls’ self-confidence, and preparing girls for the start of their periods, and all the changes that come along with this part of life” – you can join in using hashtag #**********

Here are my tips.

Don’t be anxious about the period talk; speak openly about them from when they are young, with boys as well as girls. My experience is that youngsters are neither embarrassed or afraid and it prepares the ground for later discussion.
Put together a bag of all different types of sanitary protection and make time to open one of each, discuss them and handle them together.
Make sure important male members of the house know the subject has come up and are ready to ‘be nonchalant and open’ about the subject too. It’s just as normal as him shaving.
Make sure there are bins in the bathrooms they can use discreetly and encourage them to be part of the emptying and cleaning of them. Also have conversations about leaving toilets etc tidy for other members of the house. It can be messy and my experience is they need quietly letting know if they need to be more thoughtful.
Make sure you have a plan for knickers that need dealing with and neither parent particularly wants to encounter in a handful of washing.
Talk through the other changes of puberty and sex (hopefully less scarily than school seems to!) and lay down markers to help them prepare such as chatting through things like pain being a precursor to things getting ready to start and moodiness or growing breasts and hair. Make ‘it’s normal and we all know it is happening’ your mantra and encourage them to acknowledge the signs.
“Yeah. You are moody. Yes, it’s your hormones. Yes, it IS normal. No, you are not allowed to make everyone else’s life a living hell because of it.” I use this line a lot 😉

The Gallery – Eyes

October 8, 2014 by Merry 9 Comments

“She has beautiful eyes,” they said – and they meant it kindly.
Drawing attention away from the gaping hole they saw in her face.
The one I didn’t see, so consumed was I by her beauty.

“It will be okay,” they said – and they meant it truly,
Knowing, as I didn’t then, that it was but a small thing,
that marked her face while I saw only the girl in her eyes.

Reflected back at me, just a girl, with no idea
How to bring up a girl, facing challenge ahead of her
And only her eyes to see her through.

They fixed her face, as they said they would,
And when I found her all alone but awake in the baby ward,
Face changed…
It was the eyes I knew, straight and true.

She grew.
She looked out at the world, fearless, brave
And full of challenge, optimism, change.

Those baby eyes, the toddler eyes, the ones that swore
She would always be small, always my little girl.
And I said “You won’t. But that’s okay.”

Eyes that dance, eyes that tumble, eyes that sparkle but rarely cry,
Except tripped up by some unexpected joy.
Eyes that were – and are – my baby.

She’s almost grown. And now, these days, as she fusses and frets
About how she looks in a photo, and if a hoodie is smart enough
Or whether to wear make up, just this once,
I look at her – at all of her – and hardly knowing where to start, I say…

“You have beautiful eyes.”

This post is for The Gallery and is also in support of Sightsavers. You can follow Winesi from Malawi as he has his cataracts removed on my other blog.

15 Practical Skills to Learn Before Leaving Home.

October 6, 2014 by Merry 1 Comment

The other week I wrote about preparing our kids for leaving home, having the emotional maturity to deal with being responsible for themselves and their actions and shaping themselves into a person who makes sensible choices and knows their path – or at least knows a way to point while they work out what path to be on. I loved Sally’s post on all the ‘other’ stuff a child needs to learn and our responsibilities to help them achieve those. But in my post I glossed over the practical elements of life outside the family nest in one quick point and an interesting twitter chat developed last week about things you really do need to know before setting off into the big wide world. Things that, until recently, didn’t feature in the school curriculum at all and probably still are learned by costly mistakes as much as by experience.

So what would it be really great to know how to do before you packed up and headed for the hills (or uni halls) of the big wide world?

How to cook. If you’ve been part of a medium or large family, cooking for one – and on a budget at that – is going to be a surprise. Invest time in teaching your teens to bake a potato, boil pasta, make bubble n’squeak and follow a recipe. Being able to create a balanced menu, incorporate food groups and vegetable and all the vitamins they need is a bonus. Luckily, there is a website for this 🙂
How to go shopping. I don’t do the food shopping in our house and even basic staple food prices catch me out. Learning to shop with someone wise, who looks for deals and special offers is useful, as is knowing not to buy the 3 for 2 if you’ll only eat 1 and the other 2 will go to waste.
How to make lists. Helping a child to recognise their personal organisational style (with its strengths and failings) is a skill that will stand them in good stead. Whether they use it for their shopping, uni work or paying bills on time, making sure they know a method that suits them, will really help.
How to budget and pay bills. Knowing how not to blow everything on payday, learning to put aside enough for all the bills and an emergency fund and planning out how to make wages or student loans last the time they need to is tricky. Perhaps the most important lesson is knowing how to solve a financial problem before it escalates. Talk through balancing bills in order of most critical for tight months, how to approach a bank for help, what debt management options are available and the implications and how to analyse the real cost of a loan or credit card. In particular, make sure they truly understand the reality of payday loans.
How to use Microsoft Office. (Or similar). Learning to use the main programmes within an Office-type suite is useful for life as well as how employable they are. Just for the budgeting alone, being able to make Excel sing is hugely helpful. Find an online course or make sure they’ve had access to them as kids, via a student licence if possible (to save you money).
How to clean their house. Our kids are messy but they do know how clean a bathroom, vacuum a room, throw out the rubbish & polish a table and what to use to do so. They also know the danger of obsessive disinfecting and the benefits of healthy dirt. Getting them to do it all is more of a challenge.
How to use white goods. Washing machines are terrifying 🙄 . Knowing the hard reality of washing a delicate top on an ordinary cycle, a wool jumper on hot and a white shirt with a red flannel is no bad thing. Being able to fix the problems that can be fixed (or make something with the felted jumper!) with appropriate products is handy. Understanding the care symbols on a clothing label is helpful. Being able to iron won’t do them any harm.
Basic mending skills. The days of being able to darn a sock heel are probably over but knowing how to mend a seam so it stays strong, sew a button back on, have a mending kit somewhere handy and thread a sewing machine if you have one are all good skills to have.
Basic car maintenance. Know how to de-ice a car, check and top up the oil, check tyre pressure and treads, refill windscreen wiper washers and fill a car with the RIGHT fuel (and know the implications of the wrong one being put in). Know what warning lights can’t be ignored at all, how to tax and MOT a car and when not to risk driving.
Learn to use a map. Google Maps is all very well but it doesn’t work on a walk across a moor with no network coverage or a drive across parts of Scotland. Being able to use a map properly, with a compass, might even save your life.
Talk on the phone. Learning to have adult, professional conversations on the phone with hospitals, doctors, or banks can be really daunting. Building up to that by taking small steps in late childhood is good practice.
Be savvy online and in the real world. Teach them to question the settings on their phone and keep up to date with online good practice. Learn good safety habits for being out and about alone and know the value of being realistic but sensible.
Plan a trip. Whether it is learning to read a train timetable and getting to London and back safely or plan an excursion to Australia, knowing how to plan a trip is great practice for taking responsibility for yourself. Managing connecting transport, keeping control of luggage and dealing with unexpected issues is tricky and part of life. Starting small and early helps build confidence for teen and parent.
Change a light bulb and a plug. There is a time and a place for messing with electricity and both of those are one where you can and should. Make sure they know basic safety for dealing with electric appliances and when not to try.
First Aid. Make them do a course. No further words needed. You just never know when they might need it.

And last of all, one of the greatest skills you can learn is knowing when to ask for help. Whether it is time to call Dad because the driver is drunk, or time to call Mum because you just tried to move a bookcase on your own and it fell on your face or when you are suddenly not sure if the car is safe to drive or maybe you can smell something funny near the boiler, knowing when to say “I just don’t know, I need someone to help me” is vital. Maybe the greatest gift you can give a child, as you try to build their independence and confidence is to give them the strength to put their hand up and say “I’m out of my depth; help me.” It might be a professional need for help, or it might be that they feel sad and alone and know that’s not good for them, but making sure they can say those words is a great gift.

What skills do you think a parent should make sure a child has before they leave home? This linky is jointly hosted with NotSupermum following a Twitter chat. Why not write a post and link up 🙂

Project Grown Up; how to prepare them for leaving home.

September 10, 2014 by Merry 8 Comments

Our eldest daughter is now heading into the delights of sixth form, which means in a very short time she will be leaving home. Watching her morph into young woman has been fascinating; really this phase of life is no different to the end of toddlerdom – at 4 you wonder how on earth they would last a day at school but by 5 – ta da! Functioning human. And so it is with the late teens. With the right input, they blossom like a crystal kit into a young adult with a heap of skills – very few of which can be taught in school, from a book or need an exam at the end of them to prove their worth.

I read this post on Parenting in Year 12 this morning; it’s a great article with lots of useful information but I feel this journey should be less about a seamless transition into another institution, less about a parent managing a child into somewhere new, more about a young person becoming independent. Life is more than qualifications and jobs. It is about being able, being safe, being sure of yourself and about having confidence in carving out your place in life.

I don’t want my girls or boy to leave home needing to ring home and ask how to boil potatoes. I want them to have skills for work and life that aren’t contained in an A* on a certificate. And I don’t want them to have had their transition from school to university or employment to have been stage managed by me – sixth form is about beginning to take responsibility for yourself, making some mistakes, learning a few skills through trial and error but with the fall back of parents on hand if you need it.

Here are the skills I think the parent of a Sixth Former should focus on helping them with.

It’s our job to help them:-

Build a personal portfolio – use 6th form to become a rounded person with achievements and skills to discuss at interviews and on CVs. Make sure they have some skills they could use to get a job if the money runs out.
Develop time management skills – learn to make a realistic revision timetable. Experience being employed alongside school commitments, hand in homework on time alongside preparing for a dancing or music exam.
Learn to say no – our eldest wants to do everything. It’s no longer our job to tell her no, it is our job to encourage her to be rational about effectively completing commitments. It’s our job to help her to see the value in saying “I can’t do that at this time”.
Make decisions about the future – where I disagree with the article above is on how much of the A level to adult journey is mine to project manage. This process is a first adult responsibility – if they mess it up, perhaps they aren’t ready.
Manage pressure and expectations – part of A Level seems to me about being exposed to working under great pressure and managing it. It’s a life lesson in keeping cool, keeping organised, keeping a lot of balls juggling at once. It won’t always go perfectly. Embracing that idea is fundamental to coping with life.
Push boundaries – all kids are different and some are reluctant to exceed comfort zones. Sixth Form is about pushing them to try the things they find hard, be it interviews, auditions or a weekend with friends at a festival. It might even be a solo train or taxi ride.
Embrace the bad stuff – if you haven’t, now is the time to have the sex, drugs and drinks conversations. It’s about telling the stories of your own unsafe drunken tube ride back across London and the day you realised you really might be pregnant. It’s about letting them know you’ve been there and they can turn to you.
Suck it up – It’s not always going to go to plan and those are tough days. We are responsible for being brisk and being brutal if they are being ridiculous. It’s not my job to say “There, there, they don’t know what they are missing out on…” – it’s my job to say “What have you learned to do differently next time?”
Cook, Clean, Shop, Budget – I really couldn’t boil potatoes when I left home. Late teen parenting is about the laundrette and the supermarket and about them having 7 basic meals they can cook without spending much money. It’s about saying “I’m sorry it scares you but if you want to make that trip you will have to get the train” and giving them safety tools for managing unexpected scenarios. It’s about saying “you need to save up for that”. It’s about teaching them to use the Dyson and clean a toilet.
Become adult – I’m talking about preparing them for the day there is no one to check they got home safely and no sister in the bed across the room. I’m talking about them knowing they feel awful because they haven’t eaten or they need a doctor or knowing the dose of paracetamol they can take. It’s about having the confidence to say “this was the wrong decision and I need to make a change.”

And more than anything else, parenting a teen through Sixth Form is about helping them separate from the family unit while making sure they know they will always – ALWAYS – be part of it.