Merry

The Gallery – Eyes

October 8, 2014 by Merry 9 Comments

“She has beautiful eyes,” they said – and they meant it kindly.
Drawing attention away from the gaping hole they saw in her face.
The one I didn’t see, so consumed was I by her beauty.

“It will be okay,” they said – and they meant it truly,
Knowing, as I didn’t then, that it was but a small thing,
that marked her face while I saw only the girl in her eyes.

Reflected back at me, just a girl, with no idea
How to bring up a girl, facing challenge ahead of her
And only her eyes to see her through.

They fixed her face, as they said they would,
And when I found her all alone but awake in the baby ward,
Face changed…
It was the eyes I knew, straight and true.

She grew.
She looked out at the world, fearless, brave
And full of challenge, optimism, change.

Those baby eyes, the toddler eyes, the ones that swore
She would always be small, always my little girl.
And I said “You won’t. But that’s okay.”

Eyes that dance, eyes that tumble, eyes that sparkle but rarely cry,
Except tripped up by some unexpected joy.
Eyes that were – and are – my baby.

She’s almost grown. And now, these days, as she fusses and frets
About how she looks in a photo, and if a hoodie is smart enough
Or whether to wear make up, just this once,
I look at her – at all of her – and hardly knowing where to start, I say…

“You have beautiful eyes.”

This post is for The Gallery and is also in support of Sightsavers. You can follow Winesi from Malawi as he has his cataracts removed on my other blog.

15 Practical Skills to Learn Before Leaving Home.

October 6, 2014 by Merry 1 Comment

The other week I wrote about preparing our kids for leaving home, having the emotional maturity to deal with being responsible for themselves and their actions and shaping themselves into a person who makes sensible choices and knows their path – or at least knows a way to point while they work out what path to be on. I loved Sally’s post on all the ‘other’ stuff a child needs to learn and our responsibilities to help them achieve those. But in my post I glossed over the practical elements of life outside the family nest in one quick point and an interesting twitter chat developed last week about things you really do need to know before setting off into the big wide world. Things that, until recently, didn’t feature in the school curriculum at all and probably still are learned by costly mistakes as much as by experience.

So what would it be really great to know how to do before you packed up and headed for the hills (or uni halls) of the big wide world?

How to cook. If you’ve been part of a medium or large family, cooking for one – and on a budget at that – is going to be a surprise. Invest time in teaching your teens to bake a potato, boil pasta, make bubble n’squeak and follow a recipe. Being able to create a balanced menu, incorporate food groups and vegetable and all the vitamins they need is a bonus. Luckily, there is a website for this 🙂
How to go shopping. I don’t do the food shopping in our house and even basic staple food prices catch me out. Learning to shop with someone wise, who looks for deals and special offers is useful, as is knowing not to buy the 3 for 2 if you’ll only eat 1 and the other 2 will go to waste.
How to make lists. Helping a child to recognise their personal organisational style (with its strengths and failings) is a skill that will stand them in good stead. Whether they use it for their shopping, uni work or paying bills on time, making sure they know a method that suits them, will really help.
How to budget and pay bills. Knowing how not to blow everything on payday, learning to put aside enough for all the bills and an emergency fund and planning out how to make wages or student loans last the time they need to is tricky. Perhaps the most important lesson is knowing how to solve a financial problem before it escalates. Talk through balancing bills in order of most critical for tight months, how to approach a bank for help, what debt management options are available and the implications and how to analyse the real cost of a loan or credit card. In particular, make sure they truly understand the reality of payday loans.
How to use Microsoft Office. (Or similar). Learning to use the main programmes within an Office-type suite is useful for life as well as how employable they are. Just for the budgeting alone, being able to make Excel sing is hugely helpful. Find an online course or make sure they’ve had access to them as kids, via a student licence if possible (to save you money).
How to clean their house. Our kids are messy but they do know how clean a bathroom, vacuum a room, throw out the rubbish & polish a table and what to use to do so. They also know the danger of obsessive disinfecting and the benefits of healthy dirt. Getting them to do it all is more of a challenge.
How to use white goods. Washing machines are terrifying 🙄 . Knowing the hard reality of washing a delicate top on an ordinary cycle, a wool jumper on hot and a white shirt with a red flannel is no bad thing. Being able to fix the problems that can be fixed (or make something with the felted jumper!) with appropriate products is handy. Understanding the care symbols on a clothing label is helpful. Being able to iron won’t do them any harm.
Basic mending skills. The days of being able to darn a sock heel are probably over but knowing how to mend a seam so it stays strong, sew a button back on, have a mending kit somewhere handy and thread a sewing machine if you have one are all good skills to have.
Basic car maintenance. Know how to de-ice a car, check and top up the oil, check tyre pressure and treads, refill windscreen wiper washers and fill a car with the RIGHT fuel (and know the implications of the wrong one being put in). Know what warning lights can’t be ignored at all, how to tax and MOT a car and when not to risk driving.
Learn to use a map. Google Maps is all very well but it doesn’t work on a walk across a moor with no network coverage or a drive across parts of Scotland. Being able to use a map properly, with a compass, might even save your life.
Talk on the phone. Learning to have adult, professional conversations on the phone with hospitals, doctors, or banks can be really daunting. Building up to that by taking small steps in late childhood is good practice.
Be savvy online and in the real world. Teach them to question the settings on their phone and keep up to date with online good practice. Learn good safety habits for being out and about alone and know the value of being realistic but sensible.
Plan a trip. Whether it is learning to read a train timetable and getting to London and back safely or plan an excursion to Australia, knowing how to plan a trip is great practice for taking responsibility for yourself. Managing connecting transport, keeping control of luggage and dealing with unexpected issues is tricky and part of life. Starting small and early helps build confidence for teen and parent.
Change a light bulb and a plug. There is a time and a place for messing with electricity and both of those are one where you can and should. Make sure they know basic safety for dealing with electric appliances and when not to try.
First Aid. Make them do a course. No further words needed. You just never know when they might need it.

And last of all, one of the greatest skills you can learn is knowing when to ask for help. Whether it is time to call Dad because the driver is drunk, or time to call Mum because you just tried to move a bookcase on your own and it fell on your face or when you are suddenly not sure if the car is safe to drive or maybe you can smell something funny near the boiler, knowing when to say “I just don’t know, I need someone to help me” is vital. Maybe the greatest gift you can give a child, as you try to build their independence and confidence is to give them the strength to put their hand up and say “I’m out of my depth; help me.” It might be a professional need for help, or it might be that they feel sad and alone and know that’s not good for them, but making sure they can say those words is a great gift.

What skills do you think a parent should make sure a child has before they leave home? This linky is jointly hosted with NotSupermum following a Twitter chat. Why not write a post and link up 🙂

School Sex Education Rage.

September 22, 2014 by Merry 16 Comments

We are a liberal household. We always have been. I grew up feeling inhibited and embarrassed about sex and bodies and I was determined my children would not feel the same. We have specifically brought them up believing they can ask any question at any time and that bodies, big, small, voluptuous or with inexplicable dangly bits are just things we all have and not the stuff of fear or anxiety.

Our conversations have, since our eldest was ready to want to know how babies arrived, included sex, love, birth, periods, erections, vaginas and penises, breasts and what you might wish, or wish not, to do with your body. We’ve talked about pleasure, pain, function and dysfunction and neutrally examined the processes and causes of everything from bumps in tummies to lumps in trousers. We’ve talked about privacy because that feels good and whether secrecy is the right thing to do if it feels bad. We’ve not shied from abortion or abuse or when you might need to discuss something that is frightening or illegal or unconventional. We’ve always openly referred to the fact that we know they may bring home a same or different sex partner and that we have no issue with that. While discreet in an ordinary ‘don’t shove it in their faces’ way, we are an openly physically affectionate and loving couple, we’ve never gone to great lengths hide sanitary protection or condoms (and we assume 2 babies born in the last 4 years means they know we still have sex) and when the older girls started periods we’ve asked them to be tidy and thoughtful but not required secrecy or used euphemistic language to evade the ears and understanding of younger siblings.

When difficult questions have come up (and it is never a great time when they do!)we tend to have a couple of responses:-

“I’m happy to tell you that but ask to chat to me in private tonight,” because generally they ask me in public to gauge how awkward it might be with a buffer of younger ears in place. Once they get that response they know it is possibly blush-worthy so they’ll find me later or when they feel ready. I keep the question in mind since there is always a reason for them asking.

My other response, such as when one of them was being teased for not knowing the significance of the number 69 in the playground is,

“I’m happy to tell you that but you might find it embarrassing or upsetting and once you know you can’t unknow it. Do you want to know?”

In the case above, the daughter in question did want to know because she had found herself in a situation where where ignorance of something no 11 year old should have to know about was making her a target. So we dealt with it.

My rule of thumb for tackling these topics is:-

Be factual but human too – relate it to life and experience if possible.
Be honest and unbiased.
Keep the maturity of the child in mind & relevant to the need.
Open door – it’s okay to revisit and ask for clarity.

Which leads me to this.

School sex education and the absolute R.A.G.E I feel at the damage that has been done to one of my children through a ridiculous, unpersonalised, fear ridden information scheme designed to stop them from wanting to have sex.

Ever.

One of my children has gone through PSHE lessons that included a list of ten statements about sexual arousal that she had to put into order; not easy if you are still quite young at heart and it’s pretty difficult to not feel repulsed by “vagina become slippery” or “penis leaks fluid” when you are a young teen with no sexual experience. They’ve been warned so hard about the difficulty of child rearing on your career and education and the pain of birth, on the danger of STDs that far from being informed and prepared, she feels repulsed and fearful. Sex has become about danger and damage for her, while her school year is still filled with sexually active children and not a few pregnant girls.

For those who needed it, it hasn’t worked. For the one who didn’t need it, it has done harm.

I understand, I really do, that we have a country of children who need good information and good advice, who need steering and are not getting that at home. I understand I ticked the box to say she could attend these lessons. I’m not a prude and I’m happy with fact, with bold (and bald) statement and clear information about the effects of sexual interaction without precaution and consideration.

But it should not be my job now to have to talk my daughter back into the idea that sex is okay. I should not be having to tell her that it is not to be feared but to be enjoyed, that it is fun and something she will want to try in the next couple of years. I should not have to feel that if I ask her to leave the bedroom door open while her boyfriend or girlfriend is here, that I’m reinforcing an idea that what goes on behind closed doors is dirty or naughty. I should not have to worry that far from giving her a safety net she can break free from in her own time, I’m shielding her from her own inhibitions and anxieties and allowing her to develop them into deep rooted apprehensions.

And I do feel really furious to have had my role pushed outside of what it should be and beyond angry that a one sized fits all education has undone all the work I did to bring her up comfortable in sex being about her time, her body, her choice and above all, about affection and pleasure and fun – not fear and disease and consequence.

What do you think? Is it the job of a school to help teenagers become sexual beings responsibly and thoughtfully or simply to discourage them from having sex for as long as possible?

The Gallery – Sky.

September 12, 2014 by Merry 1 Comment

And when my heart has ceased to beat,
And atoms loose and seek to meet
You up above where dreams and tears
Have mingled, crowded, waited years
To be together, rest and be
As one again before we flee.
Over hill and under cloud,
Through the rain, among the flowers,
Sweep through grass and tumble child
In wind and weather, fierce and wild.

And then at last, when all is gone,
And only upward calls us on,
The threatened storm thunders past,
Calling us to come at last.
Among the blue, with fading cry,
The solace of the lasting sky.

***

For The Gallery

Project Grown Up; how to prepare them for leaving home.

September 10, 2014 by Merry 8 Comments

Our eldest daughter is now heading into the delights of sixth form, which means in a very short time she will be leaving home. Watching her morph into young woman has been fascinating; really this phase of life is no different to the end of toddlerdom – at 4 you wonder how on earth they would last a day at school but by 5 – ta da! Functioning human. And so it is with the late teens. With the right input, they blossom like a crystal kit into a young adult with a heap of skills – very few of which can be taught in school, from a book or need an exam at the end of them to prove their worth.

I read this post on Parenting in Year 12 this morning; it’s a great article with lots of useful information but I feel this journey should be less about a seamless transition into another institution, less about a parent managing a child into somewhere new, more about a young person becoming independent. Life is more than qualifications and jobs. It is about being able, being safe, being sure of yourself and about having confidence in carving out your place in life.

I don’t want my girls or boy to leave home needing to ring home and ask how to boil potatoes. I want them to have skills for work and life that aren’t contained in an A* on a certificate. And I don’t want them to have had their transition from school to university or employment to have been stage managed by me – sixth form is about beginning to take responsibility for yourself, making some mistakes, learning a few skills through trial and error but with the fall back of parents on hand if you need it.

Here are the skills I think the parent of a Sixth Former should focus on helping them with.

It’s our job to help them:-

Build a personal portfolio – use 6th form to become a rounded person with achievements and skills to discuss at interviews and on CVs. Make sure they have some skills they could use to get a job if the money runs out.
Develop time management skills – learn to make a realistic revision timetable. Experience being employed alongside school commitments, hand in homework on time alongside preparing for a dancing or music exam.
Learn to say no – our eldest wants to do everything. It’s no longer our job to tell her no, it is our job to encourage her to be rational about effectively completing commitments. It’s our job to help her to see the value in saying “I can’t do that at this time”.
Make decisions about the future – where I disagree with the article above is on how much of the A level to adult journey is mine to project manage. This process is a first adult responsibility – if they mess it up, perhaps they aren’t ready.
Manage pressure and expectations – part of A Level seems to me about being exposed to working under great pressure and managing it. It’s a life lesson in keeping cool, keeping organised, keeping a lot of balls juggling at once. It won’t always go perfectly. Embracing that idea is fundamental to coping with life.
Push boundaries – all kids are different and some are reluctant to exceed comfort zones. Sixth Form is about pushing them to try the things they find hard, be it interviews, auditions or a weekend with friends at a festival. It might even be a solo train or taxi ride.
Embrace the bad stuff – if you haven’t, now is the time to have the sex, drugs and drinks conversations. It’s about telling the stories of your own unsafe drunken tube ride back across London and the day you realised you really might be pregnant. It’s about letting them know you’ve been there and they can turn to you.
Suck it up – It’s not always going to go to plan and those are tough days. We are responsible for being brisk and being brutal if they are being ridiculous. It’s not my job to say “There, there, they don’t know what they are missing out on…” – it’s my job to say “What have you learned to do differently next time?”
Cook, Clean, Shop, Budget – I really couldn’t boil potatoes when I left home. Late teen parenting is about the laundrette and the supermarket and about them having 7 basic meals they can cook without spending much money. It’s about saying “I’m sorry it scares you but if you want to make that trip you will have to get the train” and giving them safety tools for managing unexpected scenarios. It’s about saying “you need to save up for that”. It’s about teaching them to use the Dyson and clean a toilet.
Become adult – I’m talking about preparing them for the day there is no one to check they got home safely and no sister in the bed across the room. I’m talking about them knowing they feel awful because they haven’t eaten or they need a doctor or knowing the dose of paracetamol they can take. It’s about having the confidence to say “this was the wrong decision and I need to make a change.”

And more than anything else, parenting a teen through Sixth Form is about helping them separate from the family unit while making sure they know they will always – ALWAYS – be part of it.